Why not to Trust your Friends with Online Polls

Back in December I was tasked with creating an online poll, record the answers given, and then create an article around the data. Safe to say that things did not at all go to plan – other than the point that this article is at least 6 months late.

At time of this poll being created, there was a massive petition in the UK to ban the then Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump from the UK. The petition reached massive heights. I decided to work my poll around this and get feedback from people on whether they think he should be banned and if any action against Mr Trump should be taken. Naturally, things did not go the way I hoped they would.

I linked the survey on Facebook, so that my kind friends would assist me in getting data. This was my first mistake. Rule number one of having friends: don’t trust them. Instead of actually answering these questions genuinely, they instead decided to mess with my whole operation.

Things started off rather decently. It may be extreme to ban a person from an entire country based on what they say (free speech innit), however it is Donald Trump we’re on about.


Majority of people however agree that some form of official punishment must be made against Trump for his questionable comments about Muslims, Mexicans, and basically anyone who isn’t Donald Trump.


Continuing on from the last question, most people considered Trump’s comment as hate speech. Remember that this was only back from December, what would you think most people’s thoughts would be now after he won the GOP nomination?


When I finally asked people to write in their thoughts that’s when things started going south. I asked what people’s thoughts were on Trumps comments about banning Muslims from America. There were the expected answers such as “deplorable”, “ignorant”, and “it’s racist, plain and simple”. However, then came the satirists – at least I hope they were joking –  of the world to turn what should’ve been a routine poll.



At this point I considered scrapping the poll, I couldn’t use many of these answers. Plus things just got worse.




However, I decided to keep the poll and work on a whole new angle. This is proof why you should never trust Facebook friends for assistance on a project, cause all you’ll get is pain and anguish. Hell, stay away from the internet in general, it is a dark and dangerous place where only the fools go to get genuine opinion.




How to Make an Art-House Masterpiece

Arthouse movies are usually hit or miss. Only a few select individuals actually know how to create a masterful piece of cinema. However, is it really that hard to do it?

Art-house. What does it mean? It’s not a house full of art, but an explosive mental experience that only a select few human beings can comprehend. Simply put – since your Neanderthal brains are so dense – art-house is the highest form of visual entertainment and you should feel bad for not grasping its cultural significance. This article will not only educate you on what art-house cinema is, but also how to become an auteur like Alejandro Jodowrosky, David Lynch, Andrei Tarkovsky, Uwe Ball and Terrence Mallick. So strap in, concentrate and for once in your life use your brain. This; is how to make an art-house masterpiece.

First off, forget the script. Cinema is all about the visuals. Dialogue? Please, unless you want to seem like another bog standard idiot who runs about Hollywood chasing wads of cash and being hated by everyone, including your own family, you’ll scrap any notion of including any spoken lines. Don’t restrict yourself to a strict structure, let the camera tell the story and allow the visuals to flow.

One notable example is Godfrey Reggio’s Koyaanisqatsi (try saying that after a few pints). It’s a masterful film that explains how much of a destructive imbecile you really are, but not by telling you through mere words, but by holding a mirror up to your face and jabbing it into your eyes.


Lighting is key for any film to appear artistic. If nothing of any interest is actually going on, just have a two hour slow moving montage of a bunch of locations which have a pretty light in them. Red lighting specifically as you can basically say the red represents sex, anger or death. The perfect recipe for any first date.

Legendary auteur Ryan Gosling showcased how well he can utilize lighting to make a scene powerful, memorable and downright arousing. Take this scene from Lost River, where Ben Mendelson serenades the audience with a lovely jingle.


When you’re finally putting it all together, add some highbrow moral message about how pandas are the greatest living beings to have never lived or about how being single is the equivalent of being a racist, mass murdering psychopath who throws up before eating their victims. If people don’t get it, then they’re idiots, not you.

Birdman, for example, is a perfect example. Alejandro González Iñárritu basically mocks the audience, critics and basically everybody else in the world as he knows, like me, that everyone is a moron who only likes watching explosions, clichés and porn – they’re all basically the same thing aren’t they?


And there you have it; if you have followed this guide then I don’t expect to see you at the Oscars as that’s for Oscar baiting hack frauds that thrive on nothing but money. But at least you’ll develop a cult following who will defend your film to the death. Now fuck off.