How to Make an Art-House Masterpiece

Arthouse movies are usually hit or miss. Only a few select individuals actually know how to create a masterful piece of cinema. However, is it really that hard to do it?

Art-house. What does it mean? It’s not a house full of art, but an explosive mental experience that only a select few human beings can comprehend. Simply put – since your Neanderthal brains are so dense – art-house is the highest form of visual entertainment and you should feel bad for not grasping its cultural significance. This article will not only educate you on what art-house cinema is, but also how to become an auteur like Alejandro Jodowrosky, David Lynch, Andrei Tarkovsky, Uwe Ball and Terrence Mallick. So strap in, concentrate and for once in your life use your brain. This; is how to make an art-house masterpiece.

First off, forget the script. Cinema is all about the visuals. Dialogue? Please, unless you want to seem like another bog standard idiot who runs about Hollywood chasing wads of cash and being hated by everyone, including your own family, you’ll scrap any notion of including any spoken lines. Don’t restrict yourself to a strict structure, let the camera tell the story and allow the visuals to flow.

One notable example is Godfrey Reggio’s Koyaanisqatsi (try saying that after a few pints). It’s a masterful film that explains how much of a destructive imbecile you really are, but not by telling you through mere words, but by holding a mirror up to your face and jabbing it into your eyes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PirH8PADDgQ

Lighting is key for any film to appear artistic. If nothing of any interest is actually going on, just have a two hour slow moving montage of a bunch of locations which have a pretty light in them. Red lighting specifically as you can basically say the red represents sex, anger or death. The perfect recipe for any first date.

Legendary auteur Ryan Gosling showcased how well he can utilize lighting to make a scene powerful, memorable and downright arousing. Take this scene from Lost River, where Ben Mendelson serenades the audience with a lovely jingle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1lWdZtf9Pw

When you’re finally putting it all together, add some highbrow moral message about how pandas are the greatest living beings to have never lived or about how being single is the equivalent of being a racist, mass murdering psychopath who throws up before eating their victims. If people don’t get it, then they’re idiots, not you.

Birdman, for example, is a perfect example. Alejandro González Iñárritu basically mocks the audience, critics and basically everybody else in the world as he knows, like me, that everyone is a moron who only likes watching explosions, clichés and porn – they’re all basically the same thing aren’t they?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4d5KovCbU8w

And there you have it; if you have followed this guide then I don’t expect to see you at the Oscars as that’s for Oscar baiting hack frauds that thrive on nothing but money. But at least you’ll develop a cult following who will defend your film to the death. Now fuck off.

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