Reality Check – Birds No Longer Give A Flying Fig


Just another wee thing I did because why the hell not? This “series” will just be me rambling on about things that are happening, and because I’m amazing, I will give my expert opinion knowledge on it, for free!

If you’re like me – obsessive, repulsive, paranoid and blatantly unfunny – then you may have noticed that birds no longer seem to care about humans; it’s as if they’ve grown bored of us and are no longer threatened by our featherless bodies. Sane people would pass this off as nothing out of the ordinary, just birds being birds. However, I would bet that they are planning something, preparing to overthrow us as dominators of Earth and nicest looking animal on the planet – give or take.

Suspect numero uno: the pigeon. Rats with wings people call them, and rightly so as these pesky buggers are the scouts of the bird empire, they’re the SAS of the Feather Legion. They mingle with us in city centres, they accept our bread which we give to them free because they successfully indoctrinated the old and they defecate on our cars because they can. Bastards the lot of ’em. Now, when I go into town and see the little grey blighter I shoo it away like I did when I was a kid, but instead of flying off and scaring a group of teenage girls, they now jog away as if I was nothing but a rogue fly. Clearly, by this one off experiment, have I proved that birds are going to take over and force us to vomit in their throats like the savage beasts they are.

Hell, some people have now started taking advice from birds through the use of memes! A duck, a puffin…what next? An owl!? These are dark times indeed, and we must all be prepared as soon the birdoclypse will be upon us. Heed my words, for Alfred Hitchcock was right.

40825Beware, this duck only wants to see you fail… horribly.



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